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Anniversary Blues - Quit Controlling Each Other, Use Proper Communication Techniques, And Be Responsible For Your Actions
Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they usually find themselves in conflict over seemingly trivial issues, as most couples do.
Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her disappointment about Kurt's busy schedule along with the limited time he finds to spend with her.
As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with all the real concerns at hand, the problem was bound to resurface.
"Kurt, I simply wanted to remind you that next week is our anniversary and it's seriously important that we schedule something special for us."
Kurt took a deep breath and replied, "Jamie, you realize I don't like celebrations."
"Oh come on Kurt. It's really important to me." Jamie responds, almost pleading.
Silent and distant, Kurt gave a slight nod, which was all the assurance Jamie needed that this anniversary would be extraordinary.
Finally, the day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Jamie became anxious. With each and every glance at the clock, her pacing quickened. At last, Kurt walked through the door looking stressed and clutching a bouquet of red roses.
Jamie took the roses with a wary smile, ready for what was coming next. Without even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer out of the fridge, and sank into the couch, grasping the remote control.
"That's it? It is our anniversary!" Jamie's tone grew sharp. "You said you would plan something special and romantic and this..." shaking the roses in her clenched fist, "this is it?"
Without a word, Kurt turned off the television and left the house.
In order to fully grasp how things went so wrong, we need to look at the interaction when it comes to their intention to learn or their intent to protect.
Jamie starts out attempting to control Kurt by making him feel guilty. Kurt, not wanting to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled makes him really feel, moves into resistance, which is his form of control.
Jamie thinks that laying on more guilt (control) will accomplish her target to have a romantic anniversary. Ring a bell?
Instead of each person taking full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness, they gave that job to each other.
The act of taking responsibility has absolutely nothing to do with blame or fault. Every person taking full responsibility eliminates the need to be right and that is certainly an essential step to a more mature and reasonable outcome.
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